While I should really be working on my paper I was reminded of something that I had forgotten within the past few weeks…
So, it has been a few weeks since my last post, honestly, I had been getting upset with myself trying to figure out why I had hit a dry spell. What was or wasn’t I doing that has kept me from hearing from God. Why had he stopped teaching about LOVE in which I desperately desire to learn about?
I had a conversation with my best friend Tyler (tyraler) a few weeks ago, told her my struggles. I went into detail of which, I explained to her my “love” lessons I had learned thus far and who I was struggling to love. It was less of a struggle and more of a refusal. I didn’t know it at the time, but realized it as I will explain. I explained why I should love these people to Tyler in which she agreed, and we discussed it more. After having discussed this with Tyler, I still even though realizing myself I was wrong for my attitude felt justified in the thought that, “Well, you can’t like everyone. You gotta love em though…”. This my friends is a cop-out. I continued for several weeks in this train of mind and my worship has not been the same, I have felt much less excited about Daily Bible readings, and have tried to worship through song on my own, but felt empty regardless. Why? Why have I had such a great year so far and now it just stops?
It seems as though I had slipped into my old train of thought and poor habit of thinking to myself the thought, if this person is going to offend me than they can go to hell! This is totally opposite of the truth! I know this in my heart but my head (more honestly my pride) had gotten in the way.
I began reading my book that my small group has been going through tonite, this is our first week and tomorrow we go over the first chapter. I honestly had no desire to do so, and have felt this way about my small group the last few weeks. Likely due to my struggle. I had talked to Tyler again this evening and she asked me how things were going with what we had talked about and I told her a little better, it is awkward to talk to her about this for unsaid reasons. I thought about what I was still struggling with from then on, until the point that I began reading my book. Reading only for the fact that I made a committment to do so and do not want to be a discouragement to my group.
I began reading and came to a point where it didn’t matter what were on the pages anymore. I realized why I had not been in fellowship with my God recently. I had developed a hatred for some of His children that He loves. This is when God spoke to me, it honestly brought me to tears and I am still teary-eyed as I type because of it. Basically, He said, “How are you going love as I love if you can’t love those who don’t deserve it?” I then realized that I, like these people who do not deserve my love, do not deserve God’s love for me! When I looked at myself with this in mind I could not help but be brought to tears and have the chills at the thought of God’s love which is very much undeserved by me!
I am reminded of a song by Sufjan Stevens: John Wayne Gacy Jr.
If you do not know who John Wayne Gacy Jr. is then I will tell you. He was a serial murderer in Chicago in the 60s and 70s. He murdered and probably raped dozens of teenage boys, then buried them under the floorboards in his house. Sufjan tells briefly the story of Gacy in the song, and ends the song:
“And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid”
Sufjan may or may not be directly speaking of his own undeservingness of God’s love for Him, but thanks to my friend shaquayfisk/friend who first showed me the song, I looked at it this way ever since.
This weeks love lesson:
Love, loves when it is undeserved.
God is Amazing!
PeACe
daneK
2 Comments
April 22, 2009 at 4:17 pm
love the transparency, love that song. and i love you, my brother in Jesus!
April 22, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Thanks Tammi, I love you too.
PeACe
daneK